i forget that people dont see songs or albums as certain colors. does that sound strange? i swear im not crazy or like drugged or anything but, certain albums are certain colors, like, say it like you mean it by the starting line is a dark green, with sparks of yellowish-orange and orange in certain parts? and blink-182 self titled is a dark purple, indigo at times. i really wish i could describe it but i am physically incapable. like if you were to give me a song i could name a color it radiates, sometimes a few. it confuses me and so far everyone ive told says that they dont experience it? maybe i am crazy.
i've been drawing a lot more lately, i just have this motivation that wasn't there before, and it's not depression or anything either. i think boredom is just driving me to do shit. for some reason whenever my family knocks on my door, i just tense up. i dont know why, but i'm anxious in my own house. how stupid does that sound? and i'm never anxious anywhere else either, just home. it's been getting to the point where sometimes i flinch almost immediately when my friends try to touch my face physically or even with a slight touch. like, i remember my friend, they lightly tapped my arm and i was sitting there, doing whatever. i just- i recoiled immediately? i don't even know why, it's not like i really have a reason to.
i can never truly relax when im here, unless my parents are gone. like yesterday i rode my bike for the first time in about a year just because i had this urge to. get out. they've been too nice lately, i know something's gonna happen. i don't wanna be in the crossfire when it does. plus, i found a pretty quiet spot to hang around if it does all go to shit. i'll be honest. it's really fucking draining feeling shit constantly. mostly it's anger. i just don't have the energy to feel anything but good, which also might be comtributing to how much i sleep. being anemic isn't fun, im gonna be like this for the rest of my life which makes it worse. but i guess ya gotta work with what ya got.
sorry for that whole. thing. wait no, youre actively choosing to read this. y'know, at times it doesn't really feel like i'm *living*. like i know im alive, but i don't feel it. maybe its the constant coldness, trouble walking, and lethargy, but i. i struggle to keep up with my schedule, walking to my stop at 6:20 in the morning and getting home at 4:10. i almost fall asleep immediatelybwhen i go home. but truth is, i can't. i gotta do chores and shit first or else i'll be woken up by pounding on my door and have my bright ass light turned on, fuckin' flashbanging me. it really makes ya think, you didnt know what you had.
the only reason i even bother gathering the energy to go to school is really only for my friends. i couldn't do this without them. if any of you are reading this, just know how much i appreciate you. i don't like to get all corny but i really do. even if i'm a dick at times, i never really mean it. sorry if anything i ever did made ya upset. i'm not gonna say that i'll be perfect or anything, nobody is. but i will try my best to make sure that's known. toodles. check out homesick at space camp by fall out boy.